Streams in the Desert

Recently, to our great joy and delight and surprise, we were able to finally bring Wesley's adoption to a close. Naturally, whenever an adoption is finalized, the adopting parents and all other relatives are ecstatic but in this case words cannot express our relief and greatest joy because it was a contested adoption. The finalization brought to a close a six month journey of frustration, confusion, and fear about what would really happen in the end. It seemed like we were walking through a very dry desert. We could not bear to think of having to give Wesley up but at the same time we also had to think about it. Needless to say, God taught us a lot through the process. Here are some things in brief that put in our hearts as we sought His heart in the matter. These were streams in the desert for us.

1. Continually we felt the Lord asking, "Do you trust Me?" See, we had really felt that the Lord had led us to adopt after years of struggling through infertility and just because it was something that had been on our hearts for years, and for me, even while in high school and perhaps earlier. We prayed for God's timing to adopt, which agency to use, that God would guide the right birth parents to us, that the child given as a gift would be the one God chose for us. It seemed that through all the circumstances and decisions, we felt we had followed God. "Why then this unexpected struggle, Lord?" Repeatedly the Lord replied, "Do you trust Me? Or He would simply just say, "Trust Me."

2. We have learned through all of the roads of infertility and adoption and even with other situations and circumstances that we are not in control. Try as we might to have things work out the way we want, God has another plan, better than ours. It is good and we just have to let go and trust Him. (See #1) God does what He does beyond our comprehension, all for His greatest glory. We see now how much He was glorified in this in our lives and in the lives of others involved. We pray that continues.

3. Do what you feel the Lord is leading you to do even if it is the hard thing, isn't the normal course of action and doesn't make sense and the outcome isn't what you'd hoped and prayed for or even expected given that you thought that you were doing what the Lord wanted you to do and therefore the outcome must be in your favor. We did feel the Lord guiding us to do something very hard, that wasn't normal and didn't really make sense. In doing so we thought the outcome would have brought a positive answer for us given that the Lord had led us to do it. However, that was not the case, initially anyway. The adoption continued to be contested and we were crushed. We didn't understand why the Lord had led us to do this specific thing with all the anxiety it involved if it only brought about the same result. Again, the Lord said, "Trust Me." In the end, we clearly see how God very much used the route He lead us down to make a difference even if the result was quite delayed.

4. Related to that and all other points, God will display His power, love and glory by doing what only He can do. He certainly did this in this case.

5. Fight for what God has entrusted to you but hold it with an open hand. We came to realize how very much Wesley was/is a gift from the Lord. We knew this already but the reality of it became much more stark when we realized the gift could be taken away. And yet it was still a gift. We were given the responsibility to be good stewards of this precious gift and that too became much more real knowing that we might only have him in our arms a short time longer. We still had to be his loving parents for the time given to us to do so, to shower him with love and as stewards of what was entrusted to us, to fight for what we thought was good and right for Wes. And yet we had to realize that all things given to us are not ours really and are indeed never given with the promise of permanence except for salvation. As He has taught me about other things, even my own breath and life, we have to hold everything with an open hand, trusting that the Lord holds all things in His hands much more firmly than what we are allowed to hold and that He holds them forever. We can trust Him even when it doesn't make sense and it seems heart-wrenching to think we might have to let go.

6. As in other roads we've been down, He continues to teach us that God is enough. Nothing satisfies, nothing brings greater joy than the gift of His grace. He is enough for our sorrow and our hope, for our weeping and rejoicing. He gives us everything we need, and much more, and loves us perfectly although we in our imperfection, do not usually understand.

7. Also, we've seen how we have a faulty view of God and ourselves. I cannot really put this into words right now, it is something still formulating and digesting and will probably will be for all the days of our life as we continue to grow and learn more about God and ourselves in this fallen world.

8. Lastly, we've learned not to hesitate to bring those we love and who love us along on the journey as support and encouragement. The prayers and support of His people have lifted us up many times out of our sorrow and fear. We need each other desperately.

It is strange how, on the day we went to court in February, before we knew there would be a good outcome, that we both felt a peace. We were anxious, but there was a deep peace in knowing that God really was in control and that we really could trust Him. That only came by His grace and much, much, much wrestling and weeping and questioning.

If you're struggling through something, keep seeking. God will reveal Himself to you, perhaps in unexpected ways, but in fulfilling, satisfying ways that brings great unexplained peace beyond what you could imagine. He is faithful to Himself and to His people. You may not see the purpose of your weariness or even a good outcome but He will reveal Himself to you to be a good and loving Father, trustworthy and faithful, firmly holding you forever.

Two good books we've read are A Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis and Streams in the Desert. C.S Lewis makes no bones about how he feels about his suffering and it is soul-healing to read how a godly, devoted man seriously wrestled with God in his grief. Streams in the Desert is a daily devotional that walks the reader through dealing with suffering, full of writings and hymns and poems from thoughtful, godly people of long ago.

Also, our church just did an 8-week sermon series on suffering leading up to Easter. It was very good! You can listen to it here - Suffering Series