Lessons Learned As A New Mom - Part 4

This is the last installment of some things I've learned as a new mom. Enjoy! I'd love your comments!

9. Read books, research, talk to your pediatrician and friends about mothering but don’t take it all as gospel truth about how you should mother your little one (unless it is a medical emergency!). This has been a huge stumbling block for me. In trying to figure out various aspects of mommyhood and infancy, I’ve read way too much and asked too many questions on google and to my friends mainly out of fear, exasperation and out of worry about what others will think about me. There are aspects that I like about most of the books but many of them have made me feel that if I do “this” then “this” will happen. Well, as I mentioned earlier, each child is an individual, and while many may go along with generalizations, all babies have their quirks and so do mommies, that books just don’t address. The ones I’ve read don’t thoroughly address sleep and eating issues while teething, growing and during illness or either they say there shouldn’t be a problem or “simply do ‘this’” and all will be well. Well, sometimes all is not well, no matter what you do, for weeks, but the books won't tell you that. So, in all these months of reading, I’ve more or less come away from them feeling like a total failure.

There are some things I agree with in each of the books, of each philosophy of parenting, mainly love on your kids a lot (and this looks different for different moms and babies) and follow some sort of routine for everyone’s sanity. Your routine doesn’t have to be the same as anyone else’s as long as your baby is well cared for in all aspects (enough to eat and enough sleep, clean diapers, they feel secure & loved) and you don’t feel like you are losing your head. If one mom carries her baby around all day, co-sleeps, feeds on demand and you like that, try it. If you hate it, try something else. If you don’t think you could do that, don’t. If another mom runs a tight ship with no variation and you like that, try it. If you don’t think you could do that, don’t. And don’t feel guilty. Not only do you have babies with their own personalities who may or may not want to be carried all day, etc, mommies and daddies and other family members and families as a whole also have their own set of personalities. There are even books about baby personalities and how to care for your child according to personality. I haven’t read these (I had to draw the line somewhere) but in the books I have read that include baby personalities, Wesley didn’t fit any of them. In fact he had aspects of opposite personalities! How many of you as an adult have read about different personalities and you don’t fit well into any of them? I certainly don't. Babies are the same, I think.

All this to say, as a family, do what works best, generally, for all involved to feel most stress-free and loved, and don’t feel guilty because it isn’t exactly as the books say or as your favorite blogger does or as your best friend. I don’t want in any way to sound relativistic in this explanation, that truth in parenting is relative, to do what’s right for you. There are fundamentals that need to be kept sacred like showering with love, setting boundaries, kids knowing what comes next, sound discipline, teaching about Jesus, guiding in maturity, etc, etc, etc, but the ways you go about them can look very different and I think that is okay as long as the outcome is the same. And what if the intended outcome doesn’t happen but you’ve tried with all the love and heart possible? Leave it to the Lord. Ultimately, this is all a lesson in the fact that we are not in control.

And even so, I am not writing this to discourage you from reading books. I think they can be very helpful, just be careful. They don't have all the answers. Lean upon the Lord.

10. With all that said, there will be times when you feel like a failure all the time, when you feel like you have no idea what you are doing, when you want to cry all day and when you just want to sleep instead of wash another bottle or spit up rag. And then you feel guilty about feeling that way! I’ve been told over and over that this is totally normal. I am sure Caroline Ingalls, Abigail Adams and Elizabeth Elliot’s mother all felt this way at times, but they didn’t write about that.

This just helps us to understand that we are wholly inadequate in ourselves, that mothering/parenting is beyond us and is daunting. After all, God has made us His stewards over all He has given us, including our little ones. They are His gift. I want to be a good steward but feel so utterly helpless sometimes. However, He did not give them do us to shepherd and steward alone. He is the one who is our perfect Father who has all the wisdom in the world to help us with our babies and with ourselves. And He delights in us despite our inadequacy and in our sweet, precious babies. He did create them after all! And He made you the mommy of at least one of them. :) Now go and kiss your little one!