In His Rest

Every time we lay Wesley down for a nap or bedtime we pat him on the back or side for a few minutes to settle him. Lately, I've started patting some and then just resting a slightly firm hand on his back or shoulder or bottom to help settle him more.

The other day I was thinking about this with regards to our walk with Jesus. I know the Bible speaks of resting in Him and of His hand upon us. He wants us to rest in Him but so often I squirm and fuss and try to keep my eyes open so to speak. I think very often in my life God is gently saying, "Shh" to me and pushing a little more with His hand to make me rest in Him. The difference between me patting Wes and putting my hand on him and God's hand on us is that I don't stay there for his entire nap! However, God's hand is always upon us. He is so trustworthy and such a good, good Father. I pray that I won't fight against Him so much with my fears, worries, anxieties, complaints, fussing and my tendency to need to be in control of all things at all times. I think God is seriously trying to break me of that and to trust and rest in Him always.

Here's a song we sang in church a few weeks ago. The words are quite fitting for our life right now.

Petition - Anne Steele, Sandra McCracken, Chelsey Scott

"Give me a calm, a thankful heart,

From every murmur free,

The blessings of thy grace impart,

And make me live to Thee.

You raise your hand to still the storms

That rage inside my head;

Revive my heart with gratitude,

Love, quell my doubt and dread.

Give me a sure and rested soul,

From every fear relieved,

Thy Spirit's power and presence mine,

To ever comfort me."

The Black Purse

We are in the middle of a 30 day waiting period regarding legal protocol for Wesley's adoption. It is something that is required in many states these days but it sure is nerve racking! I thought that the 30 days started when Wes turned 6 months old on August 16 but actually it didn't begin until August 30. So for two weeks I was anxious for no reason and then I found out that the anxious period has to draw out even longer!!!! ARgggh! Wesley is such a precious gift and a sweet little guy. I can't imagine not having him. When we found out the time period was two weeks off what we had thought and that we had to wait that much longer, Eric and I were pretty crushed.

It seems like this spring and summer have dealt us some difficult blows and this added to the list. We've been desperate for godly fellowship in this time but it seems to be alluding us. We so miss the continuous wellspring of spiritual encouragement in Norman! So we've found a church that we really like though it is quite a distance further than we'd prefer. We were so pumped about getting involved in a small group from the church starting up next week very near our house. However, true to all the other little and large disappointments these last several months, yesterday we've found out that they have had too many people sign up for the groups. Now, this is not a bad thing at all! It is amazing that they had 475 slots and 600 people signed up! (this church is only 2 years old!) However, they had to give the slots to the people who had been going the longest. That would not be us. :( There is another option for us but it just delays that much longer what we've so much been longing for. So, we were even more crushed last night.

I don't mean to have a pity party. Per usual, God has really been so gracious to us in this time. He's been teaching me so much about myself and about Him. Eric and I have drawn even closer to each other. It seems God is just clearing away more weeds in our lives.

So where does the title, "The Black Purse" fit into all this? Well, just after we found out we had to wait longer for the 30 days to be up Eric said, "Remember the black purse." He didn't need to say anything else. Here's the story:

We had three days left in Lebanon in 2008. We were at the end of ourselves completely - not much left in our reserve. However, we had been given the opportunity to go back down south to visit the people we had come to love so much over the past 8 months. And then we visited a very poor area on the coast as a means to be a light to the community. It was a great time but nonetheless we were still exhausted, emotionally spent and ready to return to the US. We took a bus back from the southern coastal town to Beirut with our bags and other paraphernalia in tow, stopping to change busses half way through the journey. After traveling for probably almost two hours, I realized that I didn't have my tiny black purse. With all the other bags we were carrying, the black purse was forgotten. Forget the money and credit cards it contained - more importantly it contained my passport!!!! I could not leave the country without it. We had plane tickets and were virtually packed and we couldn't leave the country!

We made several different phone calls trying to figure out if we could find the purse. When those came up a dead end, we called the embassy to try to figure out what to do. It seemed that the process could take up to two weeks! Oh brother! I totally melted. I took a shower and cried and cried and cried.

However, when I got out of the shower I heard Eric trying desperately to speak Arabic with a guy named Mohammad. Turns out, when we changed busses, someone had found my purse when they got on the bus. They gave it to the driver who in turn gave it to the bus station office. In my purse, they found a doctor's bill that had the doctor's phone number on it. They called the doctor's office to get my phone number. The doctor's office gave them my number and so they called us!!! Would that ever happen in America? The people who found the passport realized that it would be pretty important for me to have my passport and wanted to get it to me! Amazing! All along we thought it would be found and confiscated for some back ally plot or something crazy like that - this is where your mind goes when you are absolutely out of everything in your heart, soul and body and you've been living in a politically tense country! This shows what most Lebanese people are really like even in a pretty radical city that is not too fond of America.

The next day one of our friends who could speak very good Arabic was heading to the city where we had changed busses and retrieved the black purse for us. Hurray! Everything in the purse was in tact along with the passport and the doctor's bill, which I have kept for memories. (There's more tied up in that bill than just getting the passport back). However, the black purse was quickly retired when we returned to the US. It rests in my closet. I can't seem to throw it away. Eric will not ever let me buy a purse so small ever again. I guess I have to agree with him.

The Black Purse was a lesson in trusting completely in the will of God when we have absolutely no control over a situation. God could have chosen not to let us retrieve the passport but I am positive there would have been a good story with that outcome as well. So now, whenever we find ourselves in a situation that we can't control, all it takes is a mention of the black purse to bring us to our senses about God's hand on our life and that we are in His hands. He's trustworthy regardless of the situation, regardless of the outcome.

Fresh Eyes and Random Thoughts

This is just a bit of rambling from some thoughts from a Bible study Eric and I have started.

Eric has had a heart while at work to reach out to anyone with the gospel. He feels very inadequate about this but he amazes me. Frequently he comes home telling me of great spiritual conversations he's had with coworkers who are seeking to understand who Jesus is and exploring the truth of Christianity. As a result of regularly talking to some of the guys he works with he decided to start a kind of Bible study. We started doing this several months ago and have met on and off each week since. We are reading through the book of John. Eric facilitates the reading and the discussion, asking some of the same general questions each week like, "What does the passage tell us about Jesus, about God, about man, and about ourselves specifically?" And, "As a result, if this is true, how are we to respond to what we've learned?" The discussion has been so good that we almost always go past the hour and a half we have allotted and have still only made it to the end of John 4.

Since I am of a bit older generation and have spent most of my life around believers in the United States (overseas I was mostly around nonbelievers but the cultures and mindsets were completely different). Spending time with these few "seekers" has opened my eyes more to the philosophy of life in today's world. I've read some about this but it doesn't compare to listening to these guys and gals think out loud. I recognize that they are only a few in a sea of many but I think they fit a different mold than what we try to put people into. In visiting so many churches in this area trying to get settled, we've discovered so many that cater to what they think people want to hear so they will come to church. However, according to our Bible study group, this is not what they want. They want to see real worship not entertainment. They are deep thinkers. They want depth of teaching about the Bible, not something that just makes you feel good about yourself. They want real, meaningful relationships and conversations in the midst of our text-messaging, facebook, twitter world. They want an avenue to ask hard questions and not be blown off. And they want people to be real in answering the questions, who can truthfully say, "I don't know." They want conversations with people who really know the Word but don't flaunt it. They want to see faith and truth played out for real, with humility - not with perfection - in those who proclaim to follow Christ, so that they stand apart from the rest of the world. They are super smart and know when they are being catered to.

It has been really refreshing and challenging to be around this group. Each week I walk away contemplating my own walk with the Lord based on some of the profound comments they've made. It has caused me to reexamine much of my heart and attitudes and actions. I've even started reading the Bible differently, trying to see it with fresh eyes and looking at it much more deeply, asking some of those same questions that Eric asks as well as pondering some of the comments and questions from the group. It has made a big impact on my walk with the Lord.

I've learned a lot about the simplicity of teaching the Bible and discipleship through this group and it has confirmed what we experienced in Lebanon. We've read so many books about discipleship and listened to many sermons on the subject. We've tried those methods and though there are good parts, it often feels contrived. In our experience in Lebanon and with this Bible study, the best kind of disicpleship is simply reading the Bible together, mulling it over together and sharing life together. The Bible speaks for itself and it tells us how to live the Christian life. We don't need anything else, except of course the Holy Spirit to guide us.

It has also shown us that people are everywhere who are open to the gospel, you just have to put yourself out there to start conversations and share your own life with people. In Matt 28:19-20, we are called to take the gospel to all nations including our own, including our coworkers and neighbors. Of course, I am not advocating not going to other nations, (if you know me at all, you know I would Never advocate not going to other nations!) just that where ever God has you is a mission field.

What has been so neat is seeing the Word read through fresh eyes. Each week I am blown away by the profoundness of their thoughts and discussion about life and the world and even Christian faith and Jesus and humankind that they pull out of a passage that I had NEVER thought of. One guy made a comment a while ago that has stuck with me, that I keep going back to and thinking about as I read things in the Word or watch others who say they are believers. He said in a sense, "If this is really what the Bible says it is and the Bible is true, then this requires everything of me; this would completely change everything, I would want to give everything to it." Exactly! I think so often we jump in with sharing the gospel with people wanting to have a quick positive response without giving time for people to contemplate the cost or really even explaining the cost in the first place. True faith is a sacrifice of your life, giving your life, surrendering your life and all your rights to everything over to the Lord, making him the ruler of your life willingly as a result of understanding the scope of what Jesus did for us. Our friend recognized this and you could tell it wasn't an easy thing to process, naturally. But he's also made comments about the peace he sees in it.

I was reading in the Bible this morning at the end of John where Jesus asked Peter, "Do you truly love me?" I liked what the notes in the margin explain in regards to love and it fits perfect with our friend's comment on counting the cost. To "truly love" refers to a love in which the entire personality, including the will is involved. We give up our own will for His because we truly love Him, because He truly loved us. This is in effect what our friend was saying. And he didn't even have the notes! Isn't it beautiful and at the same time challenging to see the Word through fresh eyes and to see the Holy Spirit working so marvelously?

Wes's Room, Finally Finished!

After months of dreaming, arranging, rearranging, thinking, planning, quilting, painting, ordering, tying and doing a bit of shopping, I've finally got Wes's room the way I like it. We moved the dresser and mirror far too many times, leaving gaping holes in the walls. I would like to one day cover the chair and get a bit more gender neutral rug but for now they blend well and suit the purpose. And what room would be complete without a baby! Wes is in the crib in these pictures. On the last day of arranging his room, he rode around in the crib adoringly watching his mobile as I shifted it about several times.

The animal alphabet cards were the inspiration for almost everything in the room - paint, curtains, sheets, quilt, dust ruffle, etc. - bought them even before we started the adoption process. I hadn't bought any baby things in the then 3 1/2 years of waiting. That was a particularly sad day and somehow these made me smile and encouraged me not to give up hope so I broke down and bought them. I just put them in a drawer in this room for months. Eventually from these came first the paint color - the room was also painted before knowing about Wes and with the idea of it being a good color for an adult guest room which is what this room was before Wes came to us, and also that it could possibly be a good neutral baby room color. As I look back now, I am not sure how it could work for a girl. I guess God put it in my head there would be a boy before I knew it!

The animal cards were a jumping off point for colors for the quilt I made - which I also started before we knew about Wes but after the adoption paperwork was completed. I had thought about it for months before starting on it. Somehow after all the paperwork was finished, I felt the freedom to go ahead with making it even though we thought it would be many months or even years before we had a baby. I so enjoyed picking out the fabrics and the design. Surprise! Wes came about three weeks after I started putting it together! In our Iphotos, the pictures of the finished quilt top are the last set of photos before Wes came! I finally finished the quilt when he was about 4 months old. It is a bit big for him now. We sometimes use it as a blanket for him for playing on the floor. He'll probably start using it for real when he's a toddler.

These pictures have a two different quotes - the one on the left is a prayer I made out of Ps 92:12 which says, "Lord, may Wesley be a righteous man, flourishing like the palm tree and may he grow like a cedar in Lebanon. Planted in the house of the Lord, may he flourish in your courts. We pray he will still yield fruit in old age,that he will be full of sap and very green, declaring, 'The Lord is upright, He is my Rock and there is no unrighteousness in Him.'" The one on the right says, "Hope shall change to glad fruition; Faith to sight and prayer to praise." It is a verse from a hymn called, Jesus, I my cross have taken.

This is what the room roughly looked like, kind of, before Wes came, except that the fan was installed in the ceiling and we had a few things on the walls.

Professional Pics

Here are some pictures we had taken of Wesley a few weeks ago. Enjoy!

Going Home

I’ve been feeling a bit home sick lately - but for which home I cannot say. I miss Lebanon, I miss Georgia, I miss Oklahoma, - all for different reasons - ministry, old friends, even older friends and family, church, familiar scenery, adventure. We’ve struggled so much here to feel rooted and wondered countless times why God put us here. Sometimes it feels like we are in a holding pattern, like we’re trying to tread water upstream, pushing against some invisible wall, or even like we’ve gone backwards somehow or that we’re stuck. Moving to Lebanon and living there was tough (but worth it!). In some ways this has been even harder but for different reasons. However, if Wesley is our reason for being here, it is all well worth it! This reminded me of a blog entry I wrote at least a year ago but never posted. I read it today and it encouraged me. I thought I would finally post it. So here it is in italics.

I have to admit that over the last 6 years or so, I’ve had trouble knowing where “home” is. I lived in Lebanon for almost a year, then back to Ga for 6 months, then to Oklahoma for about 2 and a half years. Oklahoma became my new permanent home but for some reason I had trouble feeling completely settled there perhaps because of my own restless heart or perhaps because it was so different to me than what “home” had been to me in Ga for 30 years- family close by, friends I had known since elementary school - 20-30 year old friendships, beautiful landscapes and lots of memories. But Oklahoma had one thing Georgia did not and that was my wonderful hubby. It also had a church that offered deep, thorough biblical equiping that I never had but longed for and had prayed for. Eventually, the Lord allowed me to develop lasting, deep, godly friendships there that I know I will have for the rest of me life. This too had been a prayer of mine for years.

Then God put it on our hearts to leave that behind, to move to Lebanon. So we up and sold our house and moved to Lebanon, leaving no physical roots in Ok, except those of our friends and church. Home became South Lebanon for however long God wanted us there. It was difficult to plant any roots there not knowing how long we were going to be there but knowing too that our stay was most likely only a 6-9 month stay - not long enough to make a rented place a home, even though we tried hard to do so. We had to travel back and forth to Beirut a lot while we were there too so this made nesting difficult as well. While on one of our trips to Beirut, we were evacuated from that troubled city to a safer mountain retreat with no idea of being able to return to the friends and the few special possessions we had with us in southern Lebanon that made up our temporary home. We were able to get back to retrieve those things and say proper good-byes to our dear friends but for the remainder of our time there in Lebanon, about 1 month, we had to live with a brother-in Christ in Beirut out of our suitcases. We ached to be down south again with the friends we had made and to be settled.

Upon returning to the US we were not sure what the next step was even though we had been praying about it for months. So we became “sojourners,” “vagabonds,” traveling around the country visiting friends and family, living out of our suitcases for five more months. We wound up back in Norman, OK, our former home, for some semblance of normalcy and familiarity to keep our sanity. (I was slowly melting down at that point.)

I have written all of this to say that God has taught me something about “home” in all this, especially the last 8 months. God had taught me to be contented wherever I am physically for however long that might be, to “bloom where I’m planted,” to make the most of it, to see it as permanent even if it’s not. One thing has really stuck with me that a missionary said to us in Lebanon when we were contemplating buying a microwave. He said, “Wherever you are, plant your tent pegs deep.” We didn’t buy the microwave because it was really not all that suitable for the small amount of electricity our house could handle. However, what he said seemed profound at the time though its meaning took months to fully comprehend by living it out experientially. The idea of the tent implies something temporary - not knowing how long you will be in a place, but planting the pegs deep implies that while you’re there staying grounded, making roots, digging into life there, being fully involved. But at the same time being able to pull up those pegs when God says go without being hindered by too much baggage. I recognize that the older we get, the more we accumulate in things, friends, growing family that make it harder to pull up the pegs.

Another thing I’ve learned, and probably the more important thing is that home does not have to be a tangible place. It is not the stuff you put in your home either. It really is something you can’t touch. It is being with the ones you love, it is being fully in God’s will, it is living life on purpose for Christ no matter what or where, it is completely trusting His sovereignty when many things don’t seem to make sense, it is being completely satisfied and fully rested in Christ, safe in His arms, even if nothing around you feels safe or is safe or familiar or comforting.

Something else I’ve learned is that the Lord never fails us, that His grace is sufficient, He holds us in His hands tightly and that His Word is enough for us and completely reliable. We’ve also learned how much we miss and need and long for fellowship with the body of Christ.

There’s a song entitled Going Home that is part of a compilation one of our Lebanon teammates put together. It says somewhat how I feel. “I’ve been feeling kind of restless, I’ve been feeling out of place. I can hear a distance singing, a song that I can’t write and it echoes in what I’m always trying to say. There’s a feeling I can’t capture. It’s always just a prayer away. I want to know the ending, things hoped for and not seen but I guess that’s the point of hoping anyway. I’m confined by my senses to really know what You are like. You are more than I can fathom, more than I can guess, and more than I can see with human sight. But I have felt You with my spirit, I have felt You fill this room and this is just an invitation, just a sample of the whole and I cannot wait to be going home...Going Home. I’ll meet You at the table, I’ll meet You in the air. You are never to young to think about it. I cannot wait to be going home. Face to face face, how can it be... ”

We will probably never feel fully at home here on this earth. But one day we will be home forever, in our real homes, the homes built and intended for us. We won’t ever feel like sojourners, foreigners, aliens, out of place. We’ll be seated at the table of our dear Father who has adopted us for all eternity to be His sons. How beautiful!

Happy Independence Day!

Being the history nut that I am and especially given my love for Revolutionary War history, I wanted to give a timeline of the events leading to the Declaration of Independence.

1765-1775 -

• A series of taxes and acts instituted by the British government to help pay for the French and Indian War. The issue was not so much that the colonies were being taxed but they were being taxed without any representation in the government therefore, making colonists feel as if they were second class citizens without the full rights of those living in England even though many of them had direct British ancestors.
• Boston Massacre 1770, Boston Tea Party 1773.
• Continental Congress 1774, 1775, 1776 - discussions on how to respond to British encroachment in the affairs of the colonies, arguments over reconciliation
• 1774 - Declaration of Rights
• Battles of Lexington and Concord, April 1775
• 1775 - Declaration of the Causes and Necessity for Taking Up Arms
• 1775 - Falmouth, Massachusetts and Norfolk, Virginia destroyed by British war ships
• Olive Branch Petition, Jan 1776 - a petition of reconciliation with King George which was flatly rejected by the monarch
• Common Sense by Thomas Paine published the day after word of the King's rejection. Paine's sold 150,000 publications and countless others read it as well causing an already weakening sentiment for monarchical rule to almost disappear very quickly. He stated that the war and rebellion was not a revolt against taxation but a fight for the survival of liberty for future generations across the world.
• War campaign in Canada failed leaving many colonists to believe that the only way to win the war was with foreign assistance and the only way to gain help from other nations was by declaring independence from Britain.
• May 1776 - John Adams (who had been itching for independence for at least a year but had waited patiently for the right timing) introduced a resolution to Congress for states to terminate their colonial governments and adopt state constitutions. "Adams's resolution had driven a stake through the heart of the foes of independence everywhere. With considerable truth he could boast that his resolution had initiated 'the most important step that ever was taken in America.'"
• June 1776 - Richard Henry Lee presents a resolution to Congress to officially declare independence from Britain. Congress creates the Committee of Five (Adams, Franklin, Jefferson, Roger Sherman and Robert Livingston.) to prepare a declaration of Independence. Adams chaired the committee, Jefferson was chosen to draft the document. Jefferson wrote the document in a few days time having already thought intensely about independence since the early 1770's. Also, by that time so much had been written in newspapers, books, pamphlets and by colonial assemblies, especially Virginia's Declaration of Rights, regarding independence, drafting the document proved relatively easy for Jefferson.
• The Declaration of Independence was presented to Congress by the Committee of Five on June 29, 1776
• July 1, 1776 Congress discussed independence and voted 9-2 in favor - New York abstained, Pennsylvania and South Carolina opposed, Delaware, tied. Official vote deferred until July 2
• July 2, 1776 - At the end of the day, independence was revisited, debated and the official vote taken - 12-0. New York still abstained.
• July 3 & 4 - the draft revised
• July 4 - The Declaration of Independence adopted in the evening, the last item of business for the day, almost as a side note.
• July 6- the document was published
• July 8 - "Independence was officially proclaimed at noon on July 8 before a crowd of thousands assembled outside the State House (in Philadelphia). Bells pealed all that day and night, Adams told a friend, and soldiers 'paraded on the common, and gave us the Fue de Joy, notwithstanding the scarcity of powder.'"
• July 10- General Washington read the Declaration to the Continental Army in New York City. That night some soldiers and citizens in New York City tore down and decapitated a statue of George III.

"Adams was cautiously exultant. He knew that independence would be accompanied by manifold hazards. He knew too that courage was required 'to ride in this Whirlwind.' Not only was victory not assured, but he trembled at the realization that 'mighty Revolutions... sett many violent Passions as Work.' The only certainty about America's future was its uncertainty. Yet his optimism surpassed his apprehension. From deep within his soul he truly believed that victory would be won, America's republican experiment would succeed, and that both his generation and posterity would benefit from what he and Congress had done. But Adams was also a hardheaded realist who knew full well that 'the Toil and Blood and Treasure, that it will cost Us to maintain this Declaration' would be immense.'"

Quotes from Setting the World Ablaze: Washington, Adams, Jefferson and the American Revolution by John Ferling.