I'm Just Wondering

I suppose this could be a continuation of the things I've learned about being a mom but it is slightly different. These are just ponderings about things regarding children and their toys, clothes, books, etc.

Recently, as Wesley's first birthday approached, I've been looking around at stores and online for toys, books and videos. I confess, I came away from it a bit overwhelmed and frustrated. There are tons of things out there for kids and babies! Almost everything I looked at had tons of bells and whistles - 15 buttons which make 15 different sounds and then when you switch a button they make 15 more different sounds with ABC's and 123's, colors and shapes as well as blinking lights, horns, any number of things to pull, push and flop around. How much is a one year old really going to get out of all of this? Why do our toys have to be designed specifically for learning? Children learn so much just playing with simple things and observing the world around them. Anything we give them, whether it be a wooden spoon, a pan, a paper bag or the bright lights learning toys will help them learn. I guess I am not opposed to having one or two toys that have all the bells and whistles but it seemed that everything available was like that and would just be sensory overload for a little one to hear that all day long. Most of it just seems like a marketing ploy anyway.

The other day Wes was fascinated by our cd player. I let him play with it because it is old and he was so intrigued. After fiddling with it a while, tasting it every few minutes, trying to pick it up and turn it over, he figured out how to open it, pull out the cd, turn it over and put it back in. All I did was watch because I didn't want to wheels in his head to stop turning. There were no noises or blinking lights or recorded voice cheering him on. How much did he learn from this simple thing?!

Do these little ones really need all these toys, whether they are fancy or simple? Once again, I think back to Abigail Adams and her sons and daughter and to even just a generation or two ago. They didn't have all those high tech talking toys and gadgets but they cranked out some pretty smart offspring! I imagine John and Abigail Adams and Thomas Jefferson or even Plato and Aristotle and Shakespeare had very few toys at all, certainly not what we have, and they turned out pretty smart.

Are we doing justice to our kid's intelligence and their central nervous system with all these new fangled toys and books and videos? Of all the things Wes has, he will more often than not go to the simple toys like rattles, stuffed animals, pots, bags, balls, blocks, boxes, books, anything he can make "music" with and his little wagon.

I remember going to my grandparents house for a few days as a child. They didn't have much for us to play with, just some older riding toys and toys for the house and a few games. But we had so much fun there! We used whatever was laying around to build forts, make up games, and run around outside, exploring the woods, barn, cellar, pick and can vegetables and fruit from their garden, roam around in the garden, observing and inspecting, etc. Imagine the stimulation our brains were getting!

The other day I took advice from friends and from blogs I read about the accumulation of toys, to put away all but a few for a while. I did this and I am amazed! Before, Wes would play a bit and toss the toy and go on to the next or simply look at them all and then go stare out the window. It was too much for his little mind to take in. Now he actually plays with his toys. He still loves to stare out the window too though. I am sure he's learning a lot from that as well.

So all of the above lead me to another pondering. Why are we so obsessed with our kids being prodigies and learning their alphabet before they are 2 or even younger? Of course I do want Wes to be smart as any parent would, but I don't know that learning the alphabet when he's 1 or 2 will make him smarter when he's 5, 15 or 50.

Did you know that most kids used to not learn to read until they were 6 or 7 years old, at least? And at that age, they learned to read in a few days or weeks and could read novels very quickly thereafter. Most didn't start their formal education until much later than we do now. And yet, when they reached the age of 16 or 17, they could be fluent in Latin and Greek and were capable of achieving in a bachelor's degree what we might get in a Masters or Doctorate today! The entrance exam to Harvard in the 1700 hundreds was well beyond my capability and I have a Master's in history. I read over an 8th grade exam that was given in the 1890's and I would not have done very well.

I am all for exposing kids to grand things, to beautiful works of art and music, t0 literature, and books galore, of course. (My heart skips a beat when Wes fusses for me to read to him more!) However, in an effort to make kids smarter by exposing them to great things, all sorts of companies have sprung up that promote child smartness, like Baby Einstein. As I am sure you are aware, they play classical music or other styles in a way that is supposed to appeal to babies. However, I've found that Wes really loves the real thing! Imagine that! Why play Baby Einstein Mozart when he delights in the real Mozart? Why don't we expose them to the real thing? To real literature instead of books that contrive to make our kids smarter but are poorly written with bad pictures? Real music in all varieties? (Wes loves real bluegrass!) Real Art? Real Poetry?

I found a baby video series at the library called Classical Baby, produced by HBO, that has a video for music, poetry, art and dance. I checked out the poetry video and it was wonderful. It had famous actors reading famous poetry in full and in snippets to soothing animation and sometimes in song form. It was so soothing and captivating! Wesley loved it, too!

I hope I don't sound too negative in all this, these are just some things I've been thinking about and wondering. Perhaps you have some insight that I'm missing. I'd love to hear your thoughts too!

Below are a couple of links I thought you'd like.

http://frugalgranola.com/2011/02/simple-childhood-play/

http://people.moreheadstate.edu/fs/w.willis/eighthgrade.html

January & February at the Taylors

Just thought I'd give an update of what's been going on here, not in chronological order.

The greatest news is that we were finally able to bring Wesley's adoption to a close. Unexpectedly, but to our greatest joy, we were able to bring Wesley home on Thursday, February 24, 2011 from the courthouse as our forever son with all the full rights and privileges of a son by birth. Praise God for His mighty intervention and mercy! Thank you all so much for your prayers, love, phone calls, visits, letters and emails, hugs, tears and gifts of support and encouragement in this journey. We couldn't have done it without you! God has taught us many wonderful things in this process and so we are thankful for this exercise in trusting the Lord. (More about this in another post!) Precious Wesley Joseph, what a gift you are! We love you forever.

My sister came to visit and we had a great time. Sadly, the weather was kind of yucky - cold, snow, mist and fog but we were able to get out and do a little bit and just veg out. And above all, she got to share in our adoption shock and excitement! We are so glad she was here with us.

We've had a blizzard and piles of snow!!!

We celebrated Wesley's first birthday with family and lots of friends!

Also, we finally finished our bathroom! Hurray! It took 4 months and twice as much money as expected but we love it! Come and visit so you can enjoy it too! I still have to make the shower curtain. It is on my huge project list. But we do have one that works fine for now.

Before:

After:

We've also joined a small group at our church that we've really enjoyed and it is so close to our house even though our church is almost 30 minutes away. No pictures though.

And, this isn't that exciting but it has been good for us - We've been purging our house room by room, one weekend at a time, of what we really don't use or need, unless it has some real sentimental value. You wouldn't believe the pile we've accumulated just by cleaning out the basement, garage and attic. It is amazing to us that just three years ago we could fit all of what we needed or wanted in 4 suitcases and a couple of carry-ons and yet had plenty for a two bedroom apartment in a rural village in Lebanon, where for the better part of our 8 months there we really only lived in the living room, kitchen and bathroom (barely). How could we have so much now? And what is crazier is that we had a garage sale just before we left for Lebanon. And one the year before that as well. What is all this stuff!!!??? Where did it come from? Why did we think we would need what we didn't get rid of it before? I encourage you to do something like this. I think you might be amazed. Several things inspired this. I'll write another blog post about that, too. :) No pictures of this, yet. I will post one of all of our purge pile when we finish in a few weeks.

Lessons Learned As A New Mom - Part 4

This is the last installment of some things I've learned as a new mom. Enjoy! I'd love your comments!

9. Read books, research, talk to your pediatrician and friends about mothering but don’t take it all as gospel truth about how you should mother your little one (unless it is a medical emergency!). This has been a huge stumbling block for me. In trying to figure out various aspects of mommyhood and infancy, I’ve read way too much and asked too many questions on google and to my friends mainly out of fear, exasperation and out of worry about what others will think about me. There are aspects that I like about most of the books but many of them have made me feel that if I do “this” then “this” will happen. Well, as I mentioned earlier, each child is an individual, and while many may go along with generalizations, all babies have their quirks and so do mommies, that books just don’t address. The ones I’ve read don’t thoroughly address sleep and eating issues while teething, growing and during illness or either they say there shouldn’t be a problem or “simply do ‘this’” and all will be well. Well, sometimes all is not well, no matter what you do, for weeks, but the books won't tell you that. So, in all these months of reading, I’ve more or less come away from them feeling like a total failure.

There are some things I agree with in each of the books, of each philosophy of parenting, mainly love on your kids a lot (and this looks different for different moms and babies) and follow some sort of routine for everyone’s sanity. Your routine doesn’t have to be the same as anyone else’s as long as your baby is well cared for in all aspects (enough to eat and enough sleep, clean diapers, they feel secure & loved) and you don’t feel like you are losing your head. If one mom carries her baby around all day, co-sleeps, feeds on demand and you like that, try it. If you hate it, try something else. If you don’t think you could do that, don’t. If another mom runs a tight ship with no variation and you like that, try it. If you don’t think you could do that, don’t. And don’t feel guilty. Not only do you have babies with their own personalities who may or may not want to be carried all day, etc, mommies and daddies and other family members and families as a whole also have their own set of personalities. There are even books about baby personalities and how to care for your child according to personality. I haven’t read these (I had to draw the line somewhere) but in the books I have read that include baby personalities, Wesley didn’t fit any of them. In fact he had aspects of opposite personalities! How many of you as an adult have read about different personalities and you don’t fit well into any of them? I certainly don't. Babies are the same, I think.

All this to say, as a family, do what works best, generally, for all involved to feel most stress-free and loved, and don’t feel guilty because it isn’t exactly as the books say or as your favorite blogger does or as your best friend. I don’t want in any way to sound relativistic in this explanation, that truth in parenting is relative, to do what’s right for you. There are fundamentals that need to be kept sacred like showering with love, setting boundaries, kids knowing what comes next, sound discipline, teaching about Jesus, guiding in maturity, etc, etc, etc, but the ways you go about them can look very different and I think that is okay as long as the outcome is the same. And what if the intended outcome doesn’t happen but you’ve tried with all the love and heart possible? Leave it to the Lord. Ultimately, this is all a lesson in the fact that we are not in control.

And even so, I am not writing this to discourage you from reading books. I think they can be very helpful, just be careful. They don't have all the answers. Lean upon the Lord.

10. With all that said, there will be times when you feel like a failure all the time, when you feel like you have no idea what you are doing, when you want to cry all day and when you just want to sleep instead of wash another bottle or spit up rag. And then you feel guilty about feeling that way! I’ve been told over and over that this is totally normal. I am sure Caroline Ingalls, Abigail Adams and Elizabeth Elliot’s mother all felt this way at times, but they didn’t write about that.

This just helps us to understand that we are wholly inadequate in ourselves, that mothering/parenting is beyond us and is daunting. After all, God has made us His stewards over all He has given us, including our little ones. They are His gift. I want to be a good steward but feel so utterly helpless sometimes. However, He did not give them do us to shepherd and steward alone. He is the one who is our perfect Father who has all the wisdom in the world to help us with our babies and with ourselves. And He delights in us despite our inadequacy and in our sweet, precious babies. He did create them after all! And He made you the mommy of at least one of them. :) Now go and kiss your little one!

Lessons Learned As A New Mom - Part 3

5. Pick 5 or 6 really important things to you right now that you want to do with regularity and stick with those. They may change over time, or as you feel more comfortable, you may add some things, but for now get those done and if you have time for the rest, fine. Right now these things for me are: 1. Spending time with the Lord. 2. Loving my family - spending some time with them everyday. 3. Keeping down clutter - clutter stresses me out. 4. Making dinner at a decent time without rushing. 5. Wesley’s naps, which means keeping some semblance of a schedule. 6. Time outside and /or time with friends either on the phone, visiting or emailing.

6. Squeeze in time to get enough sleep and to do what you enjoy - This helps a ton! Often in the afternoon I need to stop and rest but I don't. I feel so much better when I do though.

7. Routines are important for all involved, and I highly encourage them. You need them and babies need them. To - do lists are wonderful and I highly encourage them also. Keep your routine and to-do list simple. If you find by some strange chance that you have extra time, you don’t necessarily need to fill it up with something else to-do. See #6!

Recently, I cut out a lot of stuff and it has been wonderful and freeing. I had/still have, a huge mound of projects to accomplish (and which continues to grow in my mind!) but I decided to put them on the back burner just to figure out life a little bit, like a season of stillness, and actually do some thinking without feeling like I am always behind and stressed because I still have “this much” left on my project list. So now I move through my daily routine, getting my simple to-do list done and then, as I have time, I work on ONE project. When I finish it, I work on the next. This is VERY hard for me! I tend to have 5 projects going at the same time and 5 more I am thinking up in m y head!

And, sometimes the routine and the to-do lists just need to be tossed for the day - literally, in the trash or crossed off in your head. Tomorrow is a new day. Unless absolutely necessary, don’t try to do tomorrow what you couldn’t do today. Then you will have two days of lists that don’t get done!

8. Relish in motherhood and enjoy your home, embrace simplicity in life - This is a beautiful, if challenging, season in your life, each season with your child. They really do grow up so fast! I have struggled with needing adventure in my life, feeling restless for years unless I’m doing something outrageous and sometimes dangerous. So, even though being at home as a mommy is at the very top of my list of things I’ve always wanted to do in life, it has been challenging to be content. Lately, God has been opening my eyes to the adventure of motherhood, to see the joy of each day rather than the monotony of it sometimes, to praise Him in all the small things. And despite my desire for adventure, I guess I am naturally a bit of a homebody. I know, I am a walking contradiction!

I do like to get out from time to time though. However, I find that getting out usually means something will be bought or planning up something in my head that will stress me out down the road. It usually means that I get distracted from what really matters like getting Wes to eat and down for a nap and being home in time for a peaceful lunch with Eric or getting dinner on the table at a decent time without rushing, or in general not stressing myself by putting too much in my day. To go along with what I said in #7, I find it necessary to cut out what isn’t necessary so that I can really enjoy this season and not see it fly by and/or live in it full of stress and disorder. Take time to listen to the wind blow, to watch the snowfall, to sing to your little one just because, to go for a slow, long walk with your little one just because you want to - not because you have to to get exercise. This is part of the adventure in this life with our Lord and part of your purpose as a Mommy.

Lessons Learned As A New Mom - Part 2

Here is the second part of my four part series on things I've learned as a new mom. I hope you find these encouraging.

3. Don’t compare your babies with other babies, negatively or positively - Love and accept your little one as is with big smiles, hugs and kisses and do the same for other babies too! Your little one is an individual valued by the Lord. He didn’t make the one you hold to be like you or Daddy, or if adopted, like their birthmom and dad. They are their own unique creation, with their own personality. There is no one else like him or her - never has been and never will be. Guide them, pray for them and love them as such.

4. Don’t compare yourself to other moms, negatively or positively - this has been a huge downfall of mine and mostly with moms that I don’t even know. I tend to compare myself with supermom bloggers who have x number of kids more than me and find time to write beautiful, encouraging and inspiring blog entries and books, run a B&B, keep a clean house, make & cook healthy, frugal menus, shop at co-ops, farms and various other places just for food, homeschool, volunteer, lead bible studies, have small groups in their home, declutter, march through each day with a routine they actually keep, bake bread, soak grains, grind their own grain, keep a garden where things actually grow and some even live on farms and do these things all while presenting a life free of stress and full of tranquility, joy and simplicity!!!!!! I don’t mean to sound like I don’t like the ladies who write the blogs I read. I think I’d be good friends with them and I have really learned a lot from them. It is my own fault for trying to compare myself to them or to be them.

Also, I’ve tended to try to be like Caroline Ingalls, Abigail Adams and Elizabeth Elliot’s mother wrapped up all in one in eras of time when life was far more difficult and isolating without modern conveniences and technology. I find myself thinking, “What did so and so do?” or “How did she do this?” Or better yet, “How do any of these ladies do any of these things???” “Why can’t I be like them?” Since then I’ve realized that what we see of these people (bloggers and historical figures) are mostly snapshots of a life or are written from what a child or neighbor or friend remembers or what historians can dig up. We can’t get into their brain to know what they really thought or felt. I would love to write a book about what Abigail Adams’ day really looked like, as well of other ladies who lived centuries ago, if it is possible to really find that information. They wrote letters to people. Abigail wrote thousands of letters, but she probably didn’t write about her laundry and how she couldn’t get Charles to take a nap or how she hated to clean dishes all day long, only to find a new pile a few hours later.

Summary: I am not any of these women. I have to move through my days as God made me, pursuing the life He’s desiring for me to live and be a good steward of that. I’ve had to learn to enjoy them, glean encouragement and wisdom from them and to stop comparing myself and instead value who God made me to be.