A few weeks ago, the sermon in church, focused on seeking satisfaction in God. The guest speaker pointed out ways that we can become one who loves God more than life, completely satisfied in Him, consumed with a holy passion for God. One of those ways was to remember what God has done in the past. We encourage remembering in our lives by writing down what God has done, meditating on it, reviewing it and frequently telling others. This in turn fuels satisfaction in Him. God reminded me of a big something today and put some more pieces together for me so I thought I would share it with you as a means to help me remember even more that I might be more satisfied in Him and Him be more glorified in me.
God usually reminds me of His past work in my life through songs. There is just something about a song that tunes my heart to Him in a different way than anything else, especially if I am reading the Bible while I am listening to music. (That is why I have posted so many entries with songs!) So, this afternoon I was being a bit crafty and listening to some Keith Green music. I decided that it would a good time to memorize some verses while I was cutting and gluing. Sure enough, as I had the Bible open while listening to some poignant words of praise, God reminded me of a specific time in my life that I am realizing more and more was one of those major pivotal points in my walk with the Lord from which many other things stem.
It was mid October 2001. That day I had been volunteering in New York City with the Salvation Army along with some others from my church in Georgia. We were assigned the task of listening to some of the victims of the 9/11 attacks in order to determine ways to help them, whether that be just with a hug, with financial help or with counseling. It was a really tough day. That night I spent some time journaling and felt burdened in my heart to pray to really, really know the Lord, deeply. I asked Him to reveal more of His character to me, to grow me so much more. He heard me and was faithful to be begin to answer in less than 18 hours.
The next day I worked at "ground zero." The day before we had walked around the perimeter trying to put some pieces of the tragic event together and pray. It was difficult to hold back the tears then. However, walking into its interior was quite a different experience. The destruction and smell of death were beyond description and terrified me.
In those moments as we slowly made our way into the heart of those 16 acres I literally felt my knees begin to buckle. We had come to bring smiles, compassion, warm hearts, listening ears, food and practical help to the men working there. What good would I be if, after only 10 minutes of trudging through the muck, I was about to pass out or lose my lunch? I prayed quickly for God to give me what I needed in order to do what He had brought me there to do. He immediately strengthened me and, in a way, numbed me to everything that overwhelmed my senses. He gave me some neat and unique opportunities that night to just be a light and be the "sweet aroma of the knowledge of Him" in that place.
The Lord taught me a great many things on that night and other times I spent there. But one thing stands out the most. Those first terrifying steps on that gray October day began a years-long journey deeper into the heart of God's character. Was I terrified of what more the terrorists could do? No, I was terrified of God. If man could devise such unspeakable destruction of enormous man-made structures and of man, what could God in His wrath and power do? My little Sunday School image of God was blown to pieces very quickly. I had God wrapped up in a little box of love, mercy and grace, someone to whom I could run to and crawl in His lap. I was confronted with some very different aspects of God's character like His wrath, His sovereignty, His justice and His power that I had seldom even thought to explore and as I wrote above, I was terrified. God, in future months and years-even up to the present day, would require that I not just explore but grapple and wrestle with who He really is and what He is really about as well as confront ugly things in my own heart. I asked for it. He took me seriously. And praise God!
Little did I know at the time what would be required of me. I am understanding more and more that in order to know God more I have to relinquish myself. I see now that much of my experiences since 10/01, stem from that prayer and have been an exercise in surrendering more of myself to Him, making my life more about Him and less about myself. I have found such freedom and peace in this and much of the insecurities I used to struggle with have dissolved. Inevitably as I do give up more of myself, He fills in the gaps with more understanding of who He is.
Also in discovering and digging deeper into the hard things of God's character, He's given me a fuller and richer understanding of God's love, grace and mercy in relationship to the other aspects of His character. This in turn gives me all the more reason to praise Him because I understand that He is all the more worthy. Not that my understanding of Him makes Him more worthy but my knowing Him better shows me more of His worthiness to be praised.
The journey, often difficult but filled with blessings, has completely transformed my whole life, my understanding of the Lord, how I think, how I desire to spend my days. I recognize now, more and more, that much of what I've experienced in my life since that day is a result of His faithfulness to reveal more of Himself to me and thus breaking me of myself. I barely knew what it meant to glorify God eight years ago but now as I remember God and what He has done in my life in order to give Him glory I see how understanding Him more only draws me to give Him glory and I delight in it all the more.
Here's the song that caused me to remember. Aspects of it made me think of what I prayed that night. Praise God for His faithfulness!
Rushing Wind by Keith Green
Rushing wind blow through this temple,
blowing out the dust within,
Come and breath Your breath upon me;
I've been born again.
Holy Spirit, I surrender.
Take me where You want to go
Plant me by Your living waters
Plant me deep so I can grow.
Jesus, You're the One
Who set my spirit free.
Use me Lord,
Glory Your holy name through me.
Separate me from this world Lord,
Sanctify my life for You
Daily change me to Your image.
Help me bear good fruit.
Everyday You're drawing closer
Trials come to test my faith
But when all is said and done
You know, its been worth the wait.
Jesus, You're the One
who set my spirit free
Use me Lord
Glorify Your holy name through me.
Rushing wind blow through this temple,
blowing out the dust within,
Come and breath Your breath upon me
I've been born again.
